...par l'écriture · Contes · Contes et créations

Sautoir : Happy Colors

 

Sautoir crée en avril 2015 Pâte polymère / FIMO
Sautoir crée en avril 2015
Pâte polymère / FIMO

 

Si je n’avais pas vécu cette histoire de mes propres os, de ma propre chair, je vous aurais conté ce récit en commençant par “Il était une fois”. Mais cette histoire, je l’ai vécu. Elle est loin maintenant mais elle a été réelle. Elle a guidée ma vie et j’espère qu’elle guidera un jour celle  d’une autre.

J’étais une jeune fille, sans histoire, à la vie simple. C’était la veille de mon mariage. J’étais pleine de joie, d’impatience et d’inquiétude à la fois. Tous ces sentiments mêlés me faisaient aller dans tous les sens sans but précis, je perdais mon énergie dans des vas-et-viens insensés et inutiles en faisant tout et rien à la fois. Pour m’apaiser, je savais ce que je devais faire : aller boire un thé chez ma vieille tante qui habitait à quelques pas rapides de chez moi. Ma vieille tante était toujours là pour moi, bienveillante et rassurante. Je me rendis donc chez elle pour échapper au stress qui montait en moi. Arrivée chez elle, elle m’accueilli comme à son habitude emplie de tendresse et de nonchalance. On avait à la fois envie de la serrer fort dans ses bras et en même temps de garder une distance respectueuse pour préserver son univers et son mystère qu’elle baladait autour d’elle comme un rempart. Lors de notre tea-muffin maison-framboise du marché-time, je partageais avec elle mes angoisses d’une vie trop bien réglée a à peine 25 ans, de mes doutes sur cet homme que je choisissais et qui me faisait peur parfois et des questions que je me posais sur ce qu’aurait pu être ma vie si j’avais fait d’autres choix et si notamment demain je choisissais une autre route que celle du mariage avec cet homme. Ces questions rebondissaient au fond de moi souvent ces derniers temps, j’avais l’impression de subir cette vie que je choisissais par pression sociale et de passer à côté de mes rêves. Sans répondre à ma tirade solitaire que je venais de lui exposer, ma vieille tante se leva, je l’entendis monter lentement à son grenier, pousser des caisses faisant grincer le plancher et revenir un long moment après. Elle déposa une petite boite sur mes genoux “je ne pensais jamais le ressortir de la haut mais tu as le droit de connaitre ta vie toi aussi, voici mon cadeau, pas un cadeau de mariage, un cadeau de femme”. Surprise, j’ouvris la boite et découvris un collier très simple d’apparence et pas particulièrement joli. Je ne compris pas très bien la symbolique de ce cadeau et les mots de ma vieille tante. J’étais loin d’imaginer comment ce cadeau, fade de premier abord, allait changer ma vie. Sans lui, tout aurait été très différent. A ce moment, mon téléphone sonna, je devais aller chercher les derniers préparatifs d’avant mariage avec ma mère. Je pris le cadeau de ma vieille tante, l’embrassa fort, lui dit à demain et repartis vers le tumulte des noces et l’envie de satisfaire tout le monde, jusqu’à m’oublier moi-même.

J’oubliai le cadeau de ma vieille tante dans la veste en cuir que je portais ce jour où j’avais décidé de retrouver un peu de sérénité auprès d’elle. Quelques semaines après mon mariage, que je trouvai plutôt réussi, il n’était pas la peine de sans faire autant, le vent frais du mois d’octobre se fit sentir et je ressortis la veste en cuir. Le fait de voir cette veste me rendit nostalgique car entre mon mariage et ce jour, ma vieille tante était partie se reposer là-haut où on ne connait rien. Remettre cette veste me rappela ce cadeau que tous ces événements et émotions de ces dernières semaines m’avaient fait oublier. Je pris la petite boite dans mes mains, les larmes au bord des yeux. J’ouvris la boite et revis ce collier que j’avais trouvé peu attirant la première fois. Avec d’autres yeux, ceux du souvenir et de la nostalgie, je trouvais ce cadeau soudainement magnifique.

Alors que j’allais être en retard au travail, je décidai de prendre quelques minutes pour mettre ce collier autour de mon cou en honneur et mémoire à ma vieille tante qui me manquait. Lorsque je l’enfilai, j’eu comme un haut le cœur, une minute d’évanouissement, je ne sais pas exactement, une sensation indescriptible mais puissante. J’ouvris les yeux et ne compris pas ce qu’il se passait autour de moi. Nous tentions d’avoir un enfant, je pensais qu’il s’agissait peut-être des premiers signes d’un potentiel début de grossesse, mais c’était tout autre chose. Autour de moi, tout était identique et très différent à la fois. Tout ce que je voyais était inversé. La théière, la fenêtre a l’opposé. Je ne comprenais rien. Je n’avais plus de repère et cela me donnait la nausée. La sensation d’évanouissement se fit sentir à nouveau et cette fois-ci je me trouvais dans un endroit totalement étranger. Je ne reconnaissais ni les murs, ni les habits que je portais, ni mes formes. Mes mains étaient enflées et mes jambes lourdes. Je ne connaissais pas cet endroit. En même temps, quelques éléments m’étaient familiers : une commode, des photos au mur, le reste ne me disait rien et cet endroit me semblait triste et sans chaleur. Je me risquai à marcher jusqu’au miroir que je voyais alors que j’étais tétanisée. Lorsque j’arrivai au miroir, je crus perdre pied. Je me reconnus mais beaucoup plus âgée, avec au moins vingt ans de plus. Je ne comprenais rien. Je vis le collier de ma vieille tante autour de mon cou et l’ôta d’un geste brusque.

Je rouvris les yeux et retrouvais ma maison et mon monde actuel connu et rassurant. Je regardai attentivement le collier et essayai de me souvenir des mots de ma vieille tante lorsqu’elle me l’offrit. Je remarqua que l’heure n’avais pas changé alors qu’une éternité me semblait s’être déroulée depuis que j’avais enfilé ce maudit collier. Je ne savais pas quoi penser. Je ne savais pas si ce que je venais de vivre était vrai. J’avais peur, peur de ce que ma vieille tante m’avait mis entre les mains. Mais je ne pouvais penser qu’elle me voulait du mal. Je réfléchis encore à ce qu’elle m’avait dit ce jour-là dans l’impossibilité de m’en souvenir. J’avais la tête ailleurs en cette vieille de mariage et ce cadeau n’avait pas été ma priorité.

Je partis travailler fébrile et l’esprit ailleurs. Je me revoyais dans ce miroir avec le collier, tellement différente, difforme, sans grâce et le regard si triste. J’espérais avoir rêvé, je n’arrivais pas à me concentrer. Je décidai donc de rentrer du travail plus tôt. Dès que je traversai le seuil de ma maison, je fermai la porte à clef dernière moi, mon mari ne devait pas rentrer tout de suite. Je repris la petite boite que j’avais caché dans l’étagère de mes collants, me mit devant le miroir et enfila à nouveau, non sans crainte, le collier de ma vieille tante.
J’eu encore une fois la nausée et la sensation d’évanouissement, tout s’inversa autour de moi et je me retrouvais comme ce matin dans cet endroit que je ne connaissais pas, vêtue d’un tee-shirt blanc sans forme et d’un pantalon large noir à la matière désagréable que de ma vie actuelle je n’aurais jamais choisi. Je me mis à nouveau devant le miroir et je revis cette femme qui était bien moi mais avec vingt ans de plus. Je me trouvais fade, moche et hachée par le temps. J’essayai de comprendre où j’étais et qui j’étais devenu. Je regardais autour de moi. Les meubles étaient vieillots et gris de poussière. Il n’y avait qu’une seule chambre au lit défait qui sentait le renfermé. Je semblais donc vivre seule. Il y avait un message sur le répondeur. A l’écouter, cela semblait être ma fille qui m’annonçait qu’elle ne pourrait pas me rendre visite le week-end prochain. Il y avait des photos d’elle au mur, ainsi que des photos de ma mère et de ma vieille tante, personne d’autre. Je semblais donc vivre seule et n’avoir qu’une fille que je ne voyais pas souvent. Il y avait des cendriers plein qui trainaient partout alors qu’aujourd’hui où il y vingt ans – je ne sais plus comment dire – je ne fumais pas. Je regardais à la fenêtre, j’avais vu sur un parking et je pouvais presque toucher de la main la fenêtre des voisins d’en face de ma salle de bain. Je sentais que chaque pas était un effort pour ce corps que je ne connaissais pas. Je commençai alors à regarder dans les placards, dans le frigo qui était vide mais malgré tout sale, je fouillais partout, alors que j’étais chez moi, pour essayer de comprendre. C’est alors que la sonnette de chez moi retentit. Mes jambes se firent fébriles et la peur monta en moi. J’entendis du bruit de l’autre côté et quelque chose glissa sous ma porte. J’allai voir de plus près. C’était du courrier. Je le pris. Il y avait mon nom de mariée et de jeune fille sur les enveloppes. J’en ouvris une, il s’agissait d’un chèque avec un post-it collé dessus où était écrit deux mots : “pension alimentaire”. Rien d’autre. Je regarda le destinataire du chèque, il s’agissait de mon mari actuel. J’eu mal au ventre. Ma vie allait donc devenir cela.

Je continuais à fouiller ma maison. A force de persévérance, je trouvai une veille boite à chaussure en hauteur dans le placard de la chambre avec des lettres manuscrites à l’intérieur. Je reconnus au début les lettres d’amour et de tendresse que mon mari m’envoyait encore aujourd’hui lorsqu’il part en voyage d’affaires, je découvris le faire-part de notre mariage puis de la naissance de notre fille que je ne connais pas et que nous avons, semble t-il, appelé Chrystelle. Je poursuivis la lecture des lettres, je vis un titre de propriété pour l’achat d’une maison avec mon mari, au regard de l’adresse il ne s’agissait pas du tout de l’appartement où j’étais, par contre, je reconnus l’adresse que j’avais lu sur le chèque de la pension alimentaire. Puis, je tombai sur des lettres que j’avais écrite moi mais que je semblais n’avoir jamais envoyées. Ces lettres étaient pleine de douleur et de solitude. Je pleurais sur la lachetè de mon mari qui m’avait abandonnée pour une autre, sur le fait qu’il m’ait mise à la porte de chez moi en changeant les serrures, sur le fait qu’il m’interdisait de voire “notre fille qe nous avions eu d’un mariage d’amour”, sur le fait qu’il n’avait pas le droit de me battre. comme il avait pu le faire. Ces lettres devenaient de plus en plus haineuses et menaçantes mais elles étaient restées dans cette boite et n’étaient jamais parvenues à leur destinataire. Plus je lisais ces lettres, plus je me sentais sale, plus je commençais à comprendre ce qu’il m’était arrivé en vingt ans. Ce qui m’effrayait le plus est que cela ne m’étonnait pas vraiment. Je reconnaissais la méchanceté que pouvait parfois avoir mon mari malgré nos quelques années seulement de vie commune. Je me levai et allai vomir dans les toilettes. Je suais de partout. Je me sentais mal et ne savais pas quoi faire. J’avais la sensation d’être entrée dans l’intimité d’une autre et en même temps je me sentais prise au piège de ma propre vie après ce que je venais de découvrir. J’enlevai le collier de dégout et retourna à mon cocon actuel.

Lorsque je rouvris les yeux j’étais chez moi, le collier dans les mains, mais la nausée n’était pas partie. Je m’endormis d’un coup sans m’en rendre compte. Quelques heures après, c’est mon mari qui me reveilla, gentillement et doucement, il me sortit de ma torpeur, me demanda si j’étais malade car je paraissais blême et mis la main sur mon front pour voir si j’avais de la fièvre. Il me dit de continuer à me reposer, m’embrassa et partit prendre une douche. Je ne pouvais croire ce que je venais de vivre.
Cet homme pourrait-il me faire autant de mal que ce collier essayait de me dire. Je ne voulais pas croire cela. C’était un mauvais rêve, des hallucinations que je devais oublier. Je me levai difficilement et allai voir dans les poches de sa veste. Je trouvai son téléphone et, contrairement à mon habitude, je regardai dedans. Ce que je découvris me fit froid dans le dos. Mon mari profitait bien de ses voyages d’affaires pour faire de belles affaires avec des belles femmes diffférentes à chaque fois d’après ce que montrait les photos qu’il croyait avoir caché dans un dossier spécial… Je refermai séchement ce maudit téléphone et remercia ce collier venu de je-ne-sais-ou.

La phrase de ma vieille tante me revint à ce moment là : “tu as le droit de connaitre ta vie toi aussi”. C’était donc cela. Ma vieille tante avait voulu me préserver d’un futur que je ne voulais pas lorsque je lui avais fait part de mes doutes sur la vie que je choisissais en me mariant avec cet homme là. Elle avait du en faire usage aussi pour me dire “toi aussi”. Qu’avait-elle fait ? Avait-elle pu changer le destin ? Vivait-elle dans la vie qu’elle voulait? J’aurais tellement aimé savoir. Elle m’avait donné ce bien précieux sans même m’expliquer son usage, en me laissant seule avec ce choix, savait-elle ce que j’allais découvrir ? Je pris mes clefs de voiture et allai chez le notaire lui demander si ma vieille tante avait laissé une lettre ou un mot au moment de sa mort. Le notaire me regarda intrigué et me répondit que ma vieille tante avait laissé une enveloppe sur laquelle était inscrite “pour ma petite nièce, si elle le demande”. Le notaire me l’a remise et je compris tout de suite que cette enveloppe concernait le cadeau qu’elle m’avait fait avant de partir. Lorsque j’eu fini de la parcourir, non sans émotion, je compris ce que ma vieille tante avait vécue et ce que je devais faire à mon tour : arrêter de subir mon destin en me mariant avec un homme bien d’apparence – belle voiture, belle chaussure, belle situation, pour paraitre une femme bien – belle maison, belle coiffure, belle dépendance à l’image et aux qu’en dira-t-on”. Ce collier était la réponse à toutes les questions que je me posais : je me trompais. Je rentrai chez moi. Je vis mon mari à l’air inquiet me demandant ce qu’il m’arrivait. Je lui dit simplement toute la vérité : “je t’aime aujourd’hui, mais je sais que tu vas me rendre très malheureuse et qu’avec toi la vie qui m’attend n’est pas celle que je veux, je te quitte donc aujourd’hui, pour être heureuse plus tard”. Il me dit qu’il ne comprenait rien, qu’il m’aimait, que je n’avais pas l’air dans mon assiette, que ce que je disais était incohérent. Je pris quelques affaires et partis en lui disant de respecter mieux les gens qui l’aiment et je lui souhaitai bonne chance dans la suite de sa vie. J’allai chez ma mère, lui annoncer que j’avais quitter mon mari. J’ai cru qu’elle allait me tomber dans les bras de honte et de chagrin pour sa petite fille qui gachait sa vie et qui ne se rendait pas compte de la chance qu’elle avait d’avoir un mari comme lui, car sans lui “je ne serais rien faire de ma vie”. Je mis mes deux mains autour de ses épaules et la regardai droit dans les yeux pour lui répondre : Papa était un homme comme celui que je quitte, bien sous tout rapport sauf quand il s’agit de respecter et de rendre heureux les gens qui l’aiment. Je faisais un autre choix que celui de ma maman et c’était ainsi. Je me pris un petit appartement en ville et commença ma nouvelle vie. Nous sommes aujourd’hui vingt ans plus tard jour pour jour et je me regarde devant un miroir. Je n’ai jamais remis le collier depuis ce fameux jour d’octobre. Je n’en ai plus eu besoin. Je connu des hauts et des bas, mais j’ai toujours choisi vers ou j’allais. Le collier n’avait pas pour but de se faire une vie sans épreuve et toute rose à choisir et rechoisir son destin. Ce collier avait pour but de guider les destins perdus lorsqu’il était temps et c’est pourquoi il s’oubliait au fond de la mémoire quand les gens allaient dans la direction de leur coeur. C’était les mots de ma vieille tante dans le courrier qu’elle m’avait laissé à sa mort. Je me regarde devant ce miroir et je suis heureuse. J’ai fait ce que je revais de faire : être institutrice, même si cela n’était pas assez bien pour ma mère et je me suis mariée avec un homme qui me rend heureuse chaque jour malgré les quinze ans de vie commune, même s’il n’était pas assez bien pour ma mère. Nous n’avons pas pu avoir d’enfant mais avons trouvé notre bonheur autrement. Ce collier je l’ai remis dans sa boite et enterré dans un parc ou nous aimons nous promener avec mon mari. Comme je n’ai pas d’enfant, je laisse le collier choisir de celui ou celle qui a besoin de voir qu’il ne choisit pas le bon chemin. Je crois en la magie de sa force. Il n’était pas une fois un collier magique. Il est un collier magique qui attend dans un parc l’heure de rendre heureux encore une fois quelqu’un qui en a besoin.

146 thoughts on “Sautoir : Happy Colors

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